So one article tells me about the roller coaster of grief, "full of ups and downs, highs and lows." Amen to that. And then how about this: "As a culture, we want everything to be quick and easy." True. It goes on to say how just as we hurry through the rest of life we want to also hurry through our pain. Is that what I'm doing as I try to step back into life? Am I hurrying myself in some way?
I guess I wonder how long it will take for those in my life to get frustrated with me. You're given a grace period but when does that end? If I make it out and seem happy one day then what will be the response when the next day I can't pull it off? Once again I find myself having to shake off what I think people expect of me, what I expect of myself.
I find myself remembering, telling the details of Sully's days over to myself, particularly now as we have come into the "one month ago" range. (Storytelling - it's actually the name of a chapter in one of the grief books. Guess I'm on the right track.) The 4th was hard just as it was one month ago. And yesterday, the 6th was very strange. One month ago, yesterday, we were photographed as a family of five. How ironic that we were photographed again exactly one month later to the day,
this time with only the four of us, me holding a picture of Sully where he once was in my arms. Today, on the 7th, I find in my inbox snapshots from my sister-in-law from Sully's days with us. They take me back to the sunny days of my boy being here. I look at them over and over and cry and smile and remember even more. I imagine that for the rest of the year these 6 days of each month will hold much emotional turmoil. Maybe after that it will concentrate in February. I'm probably wrong. I'll expect it then but be surprised by it another time when I least expect it. That seems to be more the way of grief.
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7 comments:
These pictures are very cute!! I am continuing to pray for you and your family.
So sorry to read about your beautiful, beautiful boy. I wanted to pass on a blog of a mother who is also grieving. She has many links to other mothers, many who have had babies with
t18. Thought it may comfort you to know others who are going though similar experiences.
emily0305.blogspot.com
Take care,
Julie
heidi, i continue to pray. just thought you should know. thank you for sharing your heart, your thoughts, your life.
Thank you so much for sharing these sweet pictures from your life with Sully. I'm so glad you have them. The time WITH Sully, and the birthday songs, pictures, smiles, smell of him, connection wiht his sister and brother, are just as real as the loss and the pain of it. Seeint these pictures - having them as touchstones, has got to help the total reality - good and hard, soak in.
My belief is that the whole rollercoaster of grief is about first making our love and our loss real and then, later, about finding a way to restructures life so as to be able to move on incorporating the loss and somehow using it for good - to help others. That's the hero's journey, not just surviving but finding the lesson and passing it on.
I wrote an essay the other day about the importance of telling our stories. It seems to belong here, as you are writing about story telling in a healing context.
I've been reading all kinds of blogs lately, exploring this form, learning how people use it in their personal journies and how they use it to connect. Tonight I found a blog of a mother, recently bereaved of premature twins, who posed an exercise in her blog. She provided readers with a number of wisdom quotes and asked us to chose one which spoke to us, write about it in our own blog, and reference back to her blog so other's could participate. This seems beautiful to me - a chance to share points of information with people I would never otherwise know of. Her link to the inspiratio post is http://ourowncreation.wordpress.com/2008/02/26/looking-for-inspiration/#comments
The inspiration line I chose is “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” Maya Angelou
One of the turning points of my life was the chance I had to study with Dr. Karl Kirsch, a psychiatrist who was both scholar and healer. Karl taught me that, when our personal worst happens, our lives as we understand them shatter. What we most need then is to create a new understanding of life, an understanding that incorporates the loss.
That new understanding doesn't fall automatically upon us like gentle rain, or simply sprout with time. We have to fight for it, pull it inch by inch out of the ashes of the old life. And the way we do that, is by telling, telling, and retelling the story of how our world was destroyed and what we make of that destruction. In clinical terms the railure to tell the story enough times to make sense of it contributes to the symptoms of post traumatic stress syndrome. In emotional terms, it results in the pain May Angelou describes when she writes “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” In practical terms, it is these stories, told and untold, which create one of the strongest bonds among humans.
I ride the bus home from work most afternoons and I watch the faces of those who ride with me, sometimes animated in conversation, sometimes weary, sometimes angry or distressed. I am put off by some of the faces, frightened by a mask of toughness or sophistocated reserve. I see jail house tattoos, designer purses, hear snatches or rap music and conservative talk shows through ear phones. I wonder if I have anything in common with these people. Then my fear and isolation fade as I let myself imagine possible stories behind the facial expressions.
Who lost a child, a job, a love, the sense of possibility? Who is rebuilding and who has given up? I know my own stories, those I've told and those I still keep close, afraid or embarrassed to explore and share. I know others can't see my stories in my eyes. I wonder if they wonder about me, and I feel a connection with people to whom I will never speak through the silent presence of our stories.
Heidi, Please dont think of the blog as a pressure. We just want to make sure you are alright. When you are ready we will be here. We all miss sully. I sing Oh heavenly day everyday, I even bought the CD.
hi heidi... this is jen again... i TOTALLY understand about how the grief journey is up and down... i have SO experienced that myself... one day i think... "ok... i can make it" and the next day i'm thinking "you have GOT to be kidding me! you can't be serious this is my life!"... i think that is so normal... and i think you'll find people will give you MORE than enough grace and travel this road WITH you... seems like you, too, have a loving community who has surrounded you by your blog comments... blessings and MANY MANY prayers...
Of course there are people who do not understand what you and your family are going through and they would expect you to carry on within a short period of time...these are the people who think that if you get back to what used to be normal then you will feel better...what they dont understand is that your normal is different now...you have a new normal to adjust to...you have to try to figure out how to go on without Sully in your life and that is something that no one can tell you how to do...you and your family will take the time needed to figure out how to keep Sully in your life but in a different way...its a long hard journey but you will get through it...I am still grieving to this day...just differently...sure I have my days where I break down but thats ok...but I honor my son, Joseph by talking about him...and not forgetting him...his pictures are still all over the house...and I still have all his things...he was also an organ donor which has helped me tremendously...I also did get a tattoo on my calf in his name with a heart...these are things that helped me and still do...and butterflies remind me of him all the time...since he was an organ donor...the butterfly represents new life...which is what he gave...so now I collect butterflies in his memory...have I stopped grieving?...NO...I still do and will contunue to just differently...you and your family will find a way to make it through this...be patient and dont expect to be the old normal again...a new normal is waiting for you and your family and your friends will be there for you no matter how long it takes for you to get through this.
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