Monday, June 23, 2008

Two drifters drafting

I have written a few posts that I have kept just as drafts. I needed a place to process but also needed a sense of privacy. We've talked about creating a new blog, a private blog but then have decided against that. This is our space, two drifters off to see the world. Sully is part of our journey and so is all that is facing us after Sully. But, I've been so angry and hesitant to post those feelings. And yet, that is where we are, where we have been. So, I'd like to write again for myself, for my family. I'd like to write for us as we move into life again. I hope my posts will become dull and ordinary - full of the everyday life moments of my children and friends - full of thoughts on random things - not just the ache of losing a child although I know that will always be a part of the threads that weave together and form the fabric of our future.

So, what has been happening in our world. It has been a whirlwind of travel. Sadly though expected, Brad's grandfather passed away. We traveled to Savannah, Georgia twice in June, once to say our goodbyes and the last time for the funeral. I wasn't prepared for how much would resurface for me about Sully. All of the death talk is the same no matter when it happens. At the visitation I had to just walk out, find a solitary spot and cry. It's all still in there, the ache and pain of losing my baby and I cried all over again for Sully. Brad's dad found me and loved and comforted me as his own daughter. Here he was having lost his father but willing to comfort me and indulge me my grief over losing my son.

We decided after the funeral to make the trek to Pensacola, Fl to visit my brother, Jason and sister-in-law Kristi. We hesitated because of the hours of extra driving it would mean but a wonderful visit with them was our reward. We miss them so much.

On our way back to Virginia we stopped in Madison, Georgia for lunch with my family and dear friend Clare. Her baby girl, Esme, was born the same day as Sully. I wasn't sure how I would react but I knew I wanted to hold her, to feel the weight of her almost as if I could feel the weight of what could have been. I just held her and cried. It made me feel even more certain that I do want to have another baby. But, as I swing closer to yes Brad seems to have moved away from it. He is growing angrier. It seems to him that getting pregnant again would really mean Sully is never coming back. Of course, we know Sully is never going to be ours in this life. But I understand what he means. I understand his anger and know he needs time to be angry over losing his son. I have to let go, too. I am content with our family the way it is. I can accept staying the way we are or possibly growing. I am open to either way.

I leave today for Seattle to visit another dear friend from college, Nicola. I can't wait to see her and just enjoy hanging out together. I'm looking forward to no responsibility, to just being like the girls we were in college. I'm hesitant to leave Brad but know it will be a good and needed trip for myself.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

The downward spiral and the uncertain yes

The past month has been awful. Just now I feel us coming back up for air but for almost two, three weeks we have been sinking. I didn't understand why, but it dawned on me that these hard weeks have been the ones in which Sully's life began a year ago. These have been the weeks when we said "yes" to another little life with no idea of what was about to hit us.

The anger inside of me hasn't helped anything. But I've let myself go there and I've needed to go there. I am allowing myself freedom to be exactly where I am - angry, questioning, disappointed, doubtful, fearful, sad. Ultimately, I know I can't live here. It is too heavy, it is too much. So, I find myself today with a sort of resignation. I lift my eyes and sigh.

I have dreamed of a little girl twice now. Is she coming to me? At times I am eager to have her. At others I can't muster up an ounce of excitement for another pregnancy. Brad and I had a long talk this weekend about it all. Do we want to live the rest of our lives with the uncertain "no"? We can possibly regret not having another but could we really ever regret a sweet little life once she is with us? Even with all the heartache of Sully, I do not regret him. So, we can live in that uncertain "no" or choose instead the uncertain "yes". Uncertain - yes - that is where we are. No longer are we those naive kids thinking that nothing could possibly go wrong for us. Everything did go wrong. But we must choose now who we will be. And so we tentatively step into the "yes". There is peace here.