I've pushed writing aside for quite some time. I hear the voice longing to express itself in my head but then shut it out. There are so many reasons for this and I've expressed some of them before. But the turmoil in my head has been so great these past few months. I have wrestled with my faith and really feel myself searching for a redefinition of what it is I truly believe. This is unsettling to many people in my life and so on top of my own struggle I think I've wanted to avoid dealing with some of those unhelpful opinions and voices. I don't know if things will ever fully shake out. I know I am forever changed and can never see the world the way I once did. If anything, my ignorance is gone and with it a certain amount of bliss. I told Brad the other day that it's not that I don't believe anymore. In fact, I long more for Truth than ever before. I think I realize now how skewed we all perceive it. If anything, I think I am glimpsing more of Truth than before, and it is a bit more daunting, more frightening than I ever thought. So, Truth hasn't changed but I have.
I think Brad and I realize that we may never have answers to some of our toughest questions. But one day, we hope that we will be able to come to a little more peace about it all, a bit more acceptance than we've felt over these past few months. Maybe we will finally settle into and figure out how to live with the not knowing or understanding why.
So where does that leave us with Christmas before us. I thought I'd be able to handle it all, at least put on the good face for my kids. But the weekend we pulled out all the decorations I just wasn't feeling any Christmas cheer. As I went to put the first wreath up over the mantle, I fell apart. I thought of the ten month old that should be crawling around my feet, that should be getting into things and mesmerized by all of these new sights. It all felt so empty and not the way it should have been.
We took the kids to the Polar Express at the Botanical Gardens to see the lights. I watched families with their bundled up babies and thought about the little one I should have had bundled up on my lap. As we rode through, we enjoyed the lights but I just felt dull inside. It's like the anger has melted into dullness. Everything I do seems to have a film over it making every experience not quite as cheery as I once thought it was.
Edmarc offered to have carolers and Santa Claus come with presents to visit us in this first year after losing Sully. At first I hesitated. How would the kids react? How would I react? Finally, Brad and I decided that it might be fun and an opportunity not to be missed. After all, how many kids get a day visit from Santa to their house? We heard the singing coming up our driveway this afternoon and raced to the front door. And, there, following them was Santa Claus, and, no kidding, he was the real Santa Claus! Brad said he looked like they took him right out of Miracle on 34th Street. The kids were mesmerized watching him walk up to our house and I teared up as the carolers sang. It was such a good moment, a moment of joy and excitement and Christmas cheer for all of us, and I felt the hope that maybe the dullness wouldn't last forever.