Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Easter Sunday

We made it to church this week. It took a great amount of effort but we both knew we wanted to make it there for Easter. I knew I probably wouldn't be able to pay attention to the majority of the service with tending to a newborn or walking out with him when I needed, but, still, there was something to just sitting in that back pew. It, of course, brought back so many memories of the Sunday we took Sully to church. Now, a year and a few months later we were back in that same spot, sitting with the same dear friends, with an infant in a car seat. Yet how much has changed. As the service ended and the congregation sang Amazing Grace I felt the tears well up in my eyes and stream down my cheeks. There is such joy in holding Jasper and yet still such a rawness inside of me, a wounded faith as I described it to a friend the other day. I recognize that I still have so many questions and yet, in those moments of singing that old hymn, I knew that despite my faith being shaken to its bare bones, it is, in deed, still in tact. I do still believe that one day I will know my Sully again. This Sunday is such a celebratory one because I do believe in the resurrection and all that it means for me and for my son and for my family.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

I think about him everyday

Sully is never far from my mind. In fact, I can't think of a single day since his presence entered our lives that I haven't thought about him. I wonder if as time goes on there will ever be a day where my mind doesn't go to him. I hope not.

I wondered if Jasper would look like Sully. I don't really see Sully in him. I might catch glimpses of Zane in a profile or see Ella in his nose and eyes but Jasper really looks like his own unique self to me. But, all of us have called him Sully at least once. It makes me wonder if perhaps we should have given Jasper his brother's name for a middle name.

Today is day 8. My Jasper has been with us for over a week now! On day 6 I don't think I could put him down at all. Day Six. The day Sully left us. It made it all the sweeter to hold Jasper and see him begin to open his eyes to the world and become more awake and aware. But it also made Day Six a year and a month ago that much more terrible. How did I live through that? How did I ever hold my child as he died? I can hardly believe that was me or my son.

And then day 7 came with our Jasper. And everywhere I turned I could see our house on the day after Sully died. I remembered the way Ella's tree looked outside and how cold the weather had turned. I remembered the closest of friends coming into our house, warming an incredible meal that I put into my mouth but couldn't even really taste. I remember a sense of relief but also a great numbness. I sat at this computer and chose pictures of my beautiful Sully for what would be his funeral. How different this day 7. Instead of the sounds of silence and an empty crib I heard a hearty cry and held close to me the warmth of my fourth child. All of these things came crashing down on me last night. I stepped into a hot shower and just sobbed for all that has been and all that is now. I cried out of sadness and joy, bitterness and hope all at the same time.

And then I slept a sweet sleep, a much needed sleep. Brad tended to our Jasper all night and would bring him to me when he was hungry. And here I am, this morning, on day 8. What a gift each day seems to me.