Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Tending my own soul

It has been a month since I last wrote here. I have written elsewhere but I've missed the ease of the keyboard, the familiarity of this place, this safe space to hold my thoughts. So here I am again, privately. Perhaps this all will be just saved as "draft", yes, in fact, I know it will for now. I needed to end my days of such public chronicling, I needed privacy.

I have found myself on many days doing well, moving back into life, thinking I'm doing just fine. But lately, I have been walking through the valley. Yes, I can see the high mountain peak of the playground and how ever since I have been descending to this place. I am so sad. I am overwhelmingly sad. I've grown angry, angrier than I've been throughout any of this. I am questioning and redefining. I think over and over again about what a friend said about loss, that it is like having your arm amputated and you never get it back, that you must learn to live life with out that limb. It made a lot of sense the first time I heard it. Now, I'm yelling back at God, "Why did you cut off my arm?!"

I'm angry with some who I believed to be friends who have expected too much of me. I'm angry over losing friends but then I don't care. I don't care that I've lost them. The world seems selfish and unkind to me. I want to say leave me alone and I do by not caring. I curse more than I ever have with fuck being the favored expletive. It seems the most appropriate - the most shocking and raw - it is a word I have never had as part of my vocabulary. I feel I deserve to indulge in something wrong. After all, what has being good done for me? All my years of caring and doing what was "right" did nothing for me. My son still fucking died.

So, I'm trying to hear myself, trying to listen for what I need. I am drinking wine at three o'clock and cooking myself a pizza because it is the most distinct thing I can hear myself wanting at this very moment. I realize that nobody else is going to tend to me, I am all I have. Everyone else will gladly accept that this whole ordeal is over and I am fine. But I am so not fine. I am not OK. I am not OK.