Baby steps

We tried to go out to dinner the other night. It seemed like such a good idea when it came up between us and Brad's brother and his wife. But when we walked into the restaurant I almost had to leave. I had pictured the place that had been so calm and quiet, such a haven to us in the past with its tall booths you could hide yourself in. I never thought about the fact that we had only gone on week nights and now, here it was a swinging Saturday night. What was I thinking? Why was I here? If Sully had been well, we never would have had the luxury of a night away this soon. Having this luxury, being out and around so many people enjoying a Saturday night, just hurt.

I realize I will have to step back into a life pattern before too long. Tomorrow, Ella will return to school for the first time in two weeks. I'm nervous about dropping her off, about making the trip that once was so ordinary but now seems monumental now that Sully is gone. And what about when I must go to the grocery store again or a Wal-mart or Target? I haven't run an errand since a few days before Sully's birth. Why does it seem overwhelming to me to have to do anything "normal" again? Is it because we have to wear a certain hard shell or numb ourselves to even be able to accomplish anything in the world? I feel like I'm so raw and vulnerable. The intensity and vividness of the past two and a half weeks have stripped me bare of the grayscale armor I once unconsciously used to conduct the everyday affairs of my life. How do I step back into the life of tasks and errands and necessary normalcy?

Brad and I talk through each day of this week. We try to plan for easing ourselves back into "life". We also talk a bit about future plans, this summer, and fun times for our family. And then I find myself in his arms crying. We can dream up wonderful plans but right now they all seem dull compared to if we could have our Sully and the monotonous, tiresome days of caring for a baby. Perhaps that's why each step forward seems so hard. Each step forward is a step away from what should have been but isn't, away from what we once hoped our family would be...