Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Waiting

I never know when they'll come, the tears. A friend bought me sushi for lunch today and I cried. When twinkle, twinkle little star played while Ella tried to hold her practice violin, I cried. I sat on the edge of my bed last night and put lotion on my feet and cried. I am being so functional, so matter of fact about life, but then the tears break through. And I am scared all over again and don't feel brave or strong or courageous at all. Every time I catch a reflection of my growing belly the first thought in my head is that my baby will die. I can't stand seeing myself. I try to think other things, I try to tell myself to be grateful for the time I have with him but I'm struggling to find a balance. Emotionally I see myself trying to move on but nothing has ended yet. I have to go to normal appointments, 24 weeks, 28, 32 and so on until - until when? I feel like I am just waiting for this to be over.

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