The last legal day

Today, October 24th, is the last "legal" day I could have terminated my pregnancy. I knew I wouldn't do that when the option was presented to me four and half weeks ago but I have contemplated it more than I ever thought I would. I have to remind myself, particularly today, that as there is no turning back now from this road, that God is indeed good and is faithful to his promises to me. I must believe not only that He is what He is but that He is actively seeking me and pursuing me with His truth and with His goodness. I believe He is jealous for my confidence in Him and now that I have let go of the confidence I could have placed in making my own "choice", He has to be faithful. I will not make it if He is not faithful.

I struggle the most with fear of the unknown. I tell myself that while losing a child in the womb is terrible, that having him be born and live for a time and then losing him would be even worse. I think this mainly because, selfishly, I can't even imagine how I would care for such a sick child, such a deformed child. I fear that I would not feel love for him and see in my heart that what I love most is beauty and (seeming)perfection. And now, here is a child that most certainly would not be physically beautiful or anywhere close to perfect. Also, I fear the tremendous strain it would be on me to care for such a needy child if he did live. So, not only is God laying bare my idol of superficial beauty but also the idol I have made of comfort and ease of life. I'm embarrassed to even confess these things but such is the truth of the ugliness of my heart. But the other side hurts too. The longer Sully is with me the more I do somehow love him. So, there is the fear of truly loving him and still losing him. So, I must let go of yet even more of myself, my love of control, my love of calculating what will happen. I, somehow, will not "win" in any of this. But I know I will be changed.