My choice

I never thought I would be in a place to make a choice like this because I never, even in my worst nightmares, could have created this scenario in my head. Dealing with something like this was so far off my radar screen – no where even close to life possibilities in my head. I ask some women what they would do. Most say they don’t know because who does really know? I want someone to make the choice for me. But ultimately, I can ask trusted women, talk with Brad, be advised by counselors, but in the end, I am the one who must make this choice. I have to walk down this unfathomable road. People say I am not alone but in the end am I not alone? None of you can do this for me – none of you will make this choice for me.

To choose to say goodbye now would not end it all, there will be grief and tears and processing no matter when it happens. In the end, I know I must say goodbye. To let this little life play out is to ask a tremendous amount of trust from me and to let go of any control. To look down this road is terrifying. I let myself believe I’m debating this in my head but already I know we will walk this road. And it makes me ache. As much as I wish I could let go of this right now, I know I am not ready to let go of him yet. In a very strange way, he is a protector to me. I glimpse hardship and grief, but also, time for stillness, a reprieve from the world while he is with me. If I let him go, I will expect myself to get “back to normal”. But, really, will I ever be able to do that again? We had planned this to be our last child so why not let him be? What do I really have to rush back into? What is so important? All the things I have filled my life with, have any of them ever mattered? Perhaps this choice will be the truest choice I have ever made…