Sunday, October 7, 2007

bird song

Yesterday was a nice day. Slow, the phone did not ring constantly only for me to feel guilty and then tell myself to not feel guilty for not answering it. I went to take pictures of a family I've photographed for a couple of years now. We don't know each other well. I only see them around their "picture" time so we don't know anything personal about each others lives. She asked about my pregnancy, when I was due and what I was having. I was surprised at how calm I was. How I answered the question with the simplest answer; "We are having a little boy and he is due in February." We exchanged commentaries on the third which she also now has and I was amazed that I could do it. That I could pretend that everything was just fine. That nothing at all was wrong. That we were just having a little boy in February. It was actually really nice.

I've found a time to walk. When I wake up before the world, before daylight is totally here, when the morning birds have just begun to sing, I put on my shoes and meander through my still sleeping neighborhood. I like the feeling of privacy, that neighbors don't see me as I walk past and that I don't have to politely smile and say hello to anyone. I like the sound of the birds. I like talking to God and to myself and to my little boy. I have a name I'm calling him and I like his name. I like saying it, calling him by name. I've never called my babies by name until after they were born - it seems so different to me but so necessary this time. I couldn't believe I said it or even authentically felt it this morning, but, I thanked God for this little boy. I know he is leaving a permanent impression on me that I'm persuaded to believe will change me for the better.

No comments: