Stupid Hope

It has been such a relief to not feel the need to hide a pregnancy, to stop trying to pretend in my head that it wasn't happening, to let myself emotionally embrace this fourth child of ours. People have been so kind in their joy and excitement for us. Sometimes it is quite draining to try and explain why we withheld our news from practically everyone but then, I think most people probably understand. Our news is good and joyous but of course quite different from that first time I found out we were expecting. I do not feel so naive and light hearted. I feel quite guarded in my happiness realizing that life is fragile, that I am still not guaranteed anything, even a healthy baby in my arms.

But friends have been so dear and kind to us. One girlfriend insisted on a baby boy buying spree at Babies R' Us. When I walked through those doors I couldn't help but think of the last time I was there, to buy but a few very tiny things for my Sully. Those sweet things now find themselves on Ella's dolls, and a few I could not give up are tucked away in Sully's box. I think about some of Sully's things and wonder which ones I will pass on to this boy. It seems only right that Sully should be able to pass on something as all big brothers do, that this little brother of his would know the story behind the blanket, the hand-knit booties that Sully's feet were just too small for. But I think Sully's hats will always remain his. I can't pass those on. His image is so closely connected to those blue hats made with such tenderness for him. And I think those tiny clothes will stay with Ella's collection. If this baby is as healthy as we hope, he will never fit in those tiny things. What a strange thought.

Even stranger still to me is the fact that only five months before this little life came into being, Sully lived where he now does. Sometimes I think we are absolutely crazy to do this again. I think about how tired my body is of being pregnant. Brad and I have termed it "stupid hope" that caused us to even attempt to walk down this road again. But somehow, it seems right. Despite the fatigue, I am grateful that I am able to carry a child again.