My Ella

Ella's teacher, a long time friend of mine, came out to the car before Ella got in. Uh-oh. That is usually the sign of trouble, and I typically do jump to the conclusion that she must have done something wrong. But, that wasn't the case. Her teacher just wanted to let me know that Ella had been talking more and more about Sully which she was glad about. This day, in particular, Ella had been very emotional and cried about not being able to have him be around for very long. I thanked her for letting me know and began to tear up myself.

A big question of ours has been how to talk with our children about their brother. We have so many unknowns ourselves that we aren't able to offer them many certainties. Ella pointed out to me the other day that my belly was "so big". The bigger I get the more Ella has talked about the baby and wanted to feel him move. She even puts her ear up to him to try and hear his heart beat. When I ask her what she would like to eat she then asks me what I think Sully would like to eat. These are such sweet moments but also heart breaking. She continues to ask when Valentine's Day will come and our baby. I try to explain to her that the doctors have told us all is not well with Sully and that he may come to us before Valentine's Day and that he probably won't be able to stay with us for very long. We talk about loving him now and knowing that he will be perfect and healthy and happy in heaven with Jesus. She listens. At night, she prays, "God bless baby Sully".

Later in the same day that her teacher spoke with me, Ella tells me herself about being sad at school about Sully. I hug her and tell it's OK to be sad. She proceeds to hopefully tell me about her little friend at school, that the doctors told her mommy that she wasn't well in her tummy but that she was really OK. I wish I could have listened in on that 4 year old conversation. I smile and tell her that I hope and pray that God will make everything right with Sully, too. And this is what I wonder: I want a miracle but why do I feel like I don't have to have a miracle? There is a place in me that is at peace accepting that Sully is who he was meant to be, that he isn't an accident or a mistake or wrong, but that even in his brokenness he is right. These are strange thoughts to me and so I don't share those yet with Ella. I just hug her again, and she goes back to mothering her baby dolls.