Wednesday, June 17, 2009
The fourth trimester
Jasper turned 12 weeks old yesterday. We have officially finished our fourth trimester. Brad and I first heard this term after having Zane, our first son, and we have hung on to it because it makes so much sense of the chaos and sleeplessness and lack of life pattern that follows the weeks after a baby is born. It has helped us to not try and think of those weeks as if they should be normal but rather like we are still in the "pregnant" phase, giving ourselves grace to just fall apart instead of trying to get it together.
And, true to 12 week old form, Jasper is finally starting to sleep longer stretches through the night. Last night he only woke me up once! I guess it goes to show that babies do what babies need to do. I worried so much with my first that if I held her to much she wouldn't sleep. But, this round, there has never been a baby that was held more in his first three months of life and here he is sleeping in his crib at night just like the first. As wonderful as it is to have him, there truly is relief in finally sleeping a bit more! I am feeling once again more like myself and not quite as hormonal. And having Jasper truly is like a balm to my wounded heart.
Ah, my heart, it does still ache and I am coming to accept that it may never go away. I mostly live each day pushing my mind away from very focused thoughts of last year. But then it will hit me and knock me down again. As I sorted through my clothes, shedding the maternity and larger items, I fumbled across the white sweater I wore to Sully's service and it all flooded back to me. The tears blurred my vision and made me stop my project. A million times I will walk by Sully's little hand and foot prints on our wall. Then, for some reason, I stop one time and just stare and them and think that his flesh once made those impressions. I feel my breath catch and I'm paralyzed again by the tears. On vacation, I heard Oh Heavenly Day come up on our ipod, and I just sobbed as I held Jasper even tighter to me. What I realize is that I hope these moments always catch me through out the rest of my life. Even if it hurts, it still is a connection to my son, a reminder of the love that changed me immeasurably.
Lake Jocassee, Devil's Fork State Park, South Carolina