famine

Brad just left for work - I'm in tears - surprise. When am I not in tears? I thought I could be alone today but now I'm relieved that Jack called a friend for me and she will be here in 20 minutes. Sometimes I'm afraid to see people because I just wonder how many times I can cry? Or that look you get - that sad eye look that says I'm so sorry for you but I don't know what to do with you. Oh I've given that look so many times...
Brad wrote a verse down for me before he left. Ps 33:18-19 says, "But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love, to deliver them from death, to keep them alive in famine." It's that last line - to keep them alive in famine that stuck out to him. Surely this is famine. And then I bitterly think, we've had our years of feast and now will it be years of famine? He prayed for us to have grace for the 27th. I keep trying to jump ahead to when this will all be over. I keep trying to find hope there and then the very minute, the very second I'm in overwhelms me. Jack said God's promises are for today. I need them today. I need to believe that if I hope in God's unfailing love that I won't be disappointed.
My family, my mom and dad and brother, are all praying for a miracle...for healing. After leaving home and finding our place in the PCA I kind of started dismissing so much of the theology I grew up with. But as I look out our front door I find myself asking if it is even possible. If I believe that God could heal this baby, could make him whole and perfect, how will I handle it if he doesn't? Is that when anger would kick in? Perhaps it's easier to believe that God can't really do that and then it's not his fault. This is the confusing part of my theology - that I say I believe but what does it do for me right now. How do I understand that God "allowed" this but that he didn't "cause" it - that he hates that my baby is defective? I need to see that this is the affect of the "fall" and to hate that, but it's all very fuzzy to me. Jack said that this baby would be made perfect, that he would beat us to heaven and be free of the suffering we live in down here. And that is beautiful to me, comforting somehow. Is that the miracle? Is that the healing?