The ditch

4:30 - awake for the last hour and a half. I wake up, haven't forgotten yet but there is a moment of calm before everything swirls back down onto me, into me. I realize I will love sleep more than I ever have before - for those hours I don't have to think about this. The thought that keeps screaming out in my head is that I don't want to do this. Oh, God, please don't make me do this. I think about Jesus praying before the cross. I wonder for the first time if he really didn't want to do what he did. I mean, I know it says he prayed for it to pass from him but I guess, well, I guess I never really attribute to Jesus real human feelings. Somehow it comforts me to know that he felt this horrible dread, too. That mabye he really didn't want to do what was before him just as I don't. But then he said, "your will be done" and I don't really want to say that. I don't know how to make it through this. I want to think of it as a dark tunnel, but even in a tunnel there is a road leading out of it. When Jack prayed last night, he talked about the ditch. I don't want to be in the ditch - you get stuck in ditches. What if I get stuck here? How will I ever get out of a ditch?