The first night

If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine as the day, for darkness is as light to you.
For you created this little boys inmost being; you knit him together in my womb. I praise you because he is fearfully and wonderfully made, I know that full well. His frame was not hidden from you when he was made in the secret place. When he was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw his unformed body. All the days ordained for him were written in your book before one of them came to be.
…When I awake, I am still with you… Ps 139

Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you. Is 46:4

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. Ps 23

How many times have I kissed his head, 10, 20 a hundred times? My sweet little Zane woke up calling me, “mommy, mommmmmy!” Normally I roll over and push Brad out of bed to get him. But how beautiful was the sound of his voice to me – how could I not go to him? Contentedly he nestled right into bed with me, curling into my chest. My tears start falling onto his golden head, some start to pool up in my ear. Here I am tonight with my boys, both of them nestled into me. My heart has never known this kind of pain and ache. I hurt with how much I love my Zane, with how beautiful it is to have him living, his breath warming me. And I love this other little boy also, and I tell him that. Is it all just in my head that I hear, “I love you, too, mommy”. I feared not being able to love something so damaged but here is my heart wanting to protect this life. I can hear myself asking today if it will hurt him to be born, will he be in pain? I want to keep him safe.
Just as my Ella and Zane are so beautiful to me, so precious, and certainly I’m feeling that more profoundly in these tearful hours, I also want this little boy’s life to be beautiful and meaningful…purposeful. I don’t want to waste the days and hours we have left with our three children. Oh, Lord, let there be joy somewhere in all of this. Let there be a celebration of life in the midst of impending death. Oh, God, help us…