hardening

I woke up this morning, 1, 3:20, 4, 5...but I forced myself to close my eyes. I will not think about this. I will not get up. I feel myself growing angry, trying to harden myself, trying to, to survive...

I open our pages, what have been my pages, and see that Brad has written for the first time. He is so sad. I fear being in different places. What if we handle this differently, what if we want to make different choices for our son? Will it tear us apart? What if I am not who he has always believed me to be? What if I am not who I have always believed myself to be?

And so I want answers when nothing is certain. And I start to rage inside. I don't want to be pregnant. I find myself trying to forget that I am. I wear bigger clothes to my kid's doctors appointments on Friday in hopes that no one will notice, oh please, no one notice or say anything. Will I fall apart the first time a stranger comments on my unborn child? And then I hear my voice changing. I remind myself of how many people have lost children, that we are not the first ones to go through this. You have to toughen up, Heidi, make it through...you can make it through this. All day yesterday I kept saying, "I just don't want to cry, not today." Will I start to say this each morning I wake up? Is it a good thing or a bad thing or as I said earlier, just survival? If I lose a piece of my soul will it really matter? Maybe it's just a piece that needs to be lost.