My Valentine

We had our now weekly appointment yesterday. I am 37 weeks, medically considered full-term. Within the next three weeks Sully will come to us. As a favor, our midwife was able to get us another ultrasound. I had asked if I could see him one more time in his safe, happy world before everything happens. Labor is hard on even healthy, physically perfect babies and while Sully seems to be strong enough to have made it this far, we don't know how he will handle delivery. So, to see him again yesterday was wonderful and also grounding.

In the past few weeks I've found myself daydreaming about Sully coming and everything being fine. I find myself thinking, how can he have made it this far and not be OK? Over and over the thoughts slip across my brain that maybe all of our tests were wrong. And maybe God has healed his heart by now. I just heard of a woman locally who delivered a trisomy 18 baby but somehow did not know before hand. I grasp at that and think, what if they gave me her test and she has mine? All delusions I know. And so, I needed to see Sully again. I needed to see again that this really is what is happening. Some people have called this hope - is that what my delusions are? Hope? I don't know about that.


So there he was, sweet boy. All the same things as before - nothing different. He's about 4 1/2 pounds now, very small for what he should be. A heart at this point should take up about a third of the chest. His heart is so big. It's almost fifty percent of his chest - maybe just because his chest is so small or maybe it is the imperfection of the heart. Nevertheless, even though it is so physically wrong, somehow, it is poetic to me. My Sully has a big heart. It seems so perfect, now, that he will come to us in February and that he will always be my Valentine.