The downward spiral and the uncertain yes

The past month has been awful. Just now I feel us coming back up for air but for almost two, three weeks we have been sinking. I didn't understand why, but it dawned on me that these hard weeks have been the ones in which Sully's life began a year ago. These have been the weeks when we said "yes" to another little life with no idea of what was about to hit us.

The anger inside of me hasn't helped anything. But I've let myself go there and I've needed to go there. I am allowing myself freedom to be exactly where I am - angry, questioning, disappointed, doubtful, fearful, sad. Ultimately, I know I can't live here. It is too heavy, it is too much. So, I find myself today with a sort of resignation. I lift my eyes and sigh.

I have dreamed of a little girl twice now. Is she coming to me? At times I am eager to have her. At others I can't muster up an ounce of excitement for another pregnancy. Brad and I had a long talk this weekend about it all. Do we want to live the rest of our lives with the uncertain "no"? We can possibly regret not having another but could we really ever regret a sweet little life once she is with us? Even with all the heartache of Sully, I do not regret him. So, we can live in that uncertain "no" or choose instead the uncertain "yes". Uncertain - yes - that is where we are. No longer are we those naive kids thinking that nothing could possibly go wrong for us. Everything did go wrong. But we must choose now who we will be. And so we tentatively step into the "yes". There is peace here.