It has been a month since I last wrote here. I have written elsewhere but I've missed the ease of the keyboard, the familiarity of this place, this safe space to hold my thoughts. So here I am again, privately. Perhaps this all will be just saved as "draft", yes, in fact, I know it will for now. I needed to end my days of such public chronicling, I needed privacy.
I have found myself on many days doing well, moving back into life, thinking I'm doing just fine. But lately, I have been walking through the valley. Yes, I can see the high mountain peak of the playground and how ever since I have been descending to this place. I am so sad. I am overwhelmingly sad. I've grown angry, angrier than I've been throughout any of this. I am questioning and redefining. I think over and over again about what a friend said about loss, that it is like having your arm amputated and you never get it back, that you must learn to live life with out that limb. It made a lot of sense the first time I heard it. Now, I'm yelling back at God, "Why did you cut off my arm?!"
I'm angry with some who I believed to be friends who have expected too much of me. I'm angry over losing friends but then I don't care. I don't care that I've lost them. The world seems selfish and unkind to me. I want to say leave me alone and I do by not caring. I curse more than I ever have with fuck being the favored expletive. It seems the most appropriate - the most shocking and raw - it is a word I have never had as part of my vocabulary. I feel I deserve to indulge in something wrong. After all, what has being good done for me? All my years of caring and doing what was "right" did nothing for me. My son still fucking died.
So, I'm trying to hear myself, trying to listen for what I need. I am drinking wine at three o'clock and cooking myself a pizza because it is the most distinct thing I can hear myself wanting at this very moment. I realize that nobody else is going to tend to me, I am all I have. Everyone else will gladly accept that this whole ordeal is over and I am fine. But I am so not fine. I am not OK. I am not OK.
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5 comments:
I am praying for you in NC...know that your feelings are valid and that God knnows why you are feeling them. While no one has the right words to say to you right now, many are praying, those that know you personally and those of us who only read your blog. I have always believed that grieving however you need to is the best thing for you, grieving how others think you should will not lead to the kind of healing God wants for you, the kind HE alone can direct. I am sorry for the loss of your sweet boy.
Amy
Cheers Heidi,
You go girl - this is good and right. God can take you beating on His chest and He is holding you through it. I suspect you know that's right where you are. You hate what happened, but He's the only one to turn to and He will take your wrath.
Your friends will too... some have not dealt with death yet and will not understand, but they are for you.
Kathryn
Heidi,
I grew up with Jack Howell and found your blog through your church website. I think you are a strong, courageous mother and woman who's honesty is drawing folks closer to the Lord through your writing, not because you have answers, but because you are struggling. I have grieved and still grieve years later and it makes you raw, and if you weren't angry and frustrated and sad now I would be especially worried for you. Your writing has touched me and helped me as a mother, Sully's life has changed me, I hope this is not too weird coming from someone you haven't met. I know God is using you and will comfort and heal you even though you will never be the same again. I will pray that you will feel unconditional love for years all around you in your community, that you won't feel obligated to meet anyone's expectations, that God would meet you in the painful angry places and that you would feel the grace to express anything and everything you need to. Thank you for being willing to share, I think you are honoring God by being real and I hope that may bring you some small measure of comfort that even as you vent your frustrations on your blog that you are helping others with their families and their pain. Does the playground still need donations? If there is anything you need, please let us know. Thank you for sharing Sully and yourself in this space, you are a wonderful, special woman!
Suellen Hill
Hi Heidi, Ironically I just googled the words "six days," somehow hoping I would find those undiscovered responses to my own story...and instead I found yours. Although our situations our different, my heart still felt your pain as I read your post. I know the joy of those precious six days, and the gaping heart and empty arms of all the days after, and the search for the promise of peace that is waiting. Just know that a stranger was led to your site tonight and feels with you, hopes with you... thank you for opening your heart and sharing your blog with all of us...
God bless you,
~Jennifer Bergey (Central PA)
Proud mommy of Tyler Michael
Dec. 20-26, 2007
I found your story back when they published it in the virginian pilot and I followed your story...It just breaks my heart to see what you are going through...but I also find strength through you...just know that it is ok for you to feel the way you do and that god understands...I am sorry some of your friends haven't understood...I had a similar situation happen to me...it made me realize who my true friends were and I am better for it...Blessings to you and your family...I will continue to pray for you all...
Traci Reynolds
virginia beach
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