I picked up Anne Lamott's Traveling Mercies the other day after a friend mentioned she was reading it. I've found a safe nook in Lamott's unconventional ways of explaining her faith. She writes at one point about not knowing what to do next, which way to go. Since God doesn't dole out the kind of answers we often want, she prays for direction and then "one spot of illumination always appears just beyond her feet, a circle of light into which she can step." From there, she steps into another, then another until bumbling along she ends up where she should be.
I think about that now that I have been asked a couple of times what I will do with myself in the fall. Already people have questions. Will Zane go to school? I guess Ella started at this age, but I am not ready to let him go. Perhaps in the new year. And then what will I do? Will you go back to work I am asked? What work? Why so many questions? Why do people expect an answer? Uncharacteristically, I say, I don't know. I seem to know less than I've ever known before. I have no plan. I don't see a big picture or a purpose for the days ahead. I didn't plan on being where I am finding myself this soon. I thought I would be caring for an infant this fall. Yes, if things had gone according to my plans, Zane very likely would have started preschool in the fall. But everything is different. And the pool of light I want to step into is to keep my living son close to me. Is everybody OK with that? Can I be spared questions about what my plans are for my life from here on out? I don't know my plans. I don't know what I will do when the playground is complete. I'll probably cry. And then I'll look for the next circle of light into which I can step.
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4 comments:
I love her writing too. There's a line in one of her books sort of like the one you mentioned. And she says that when you're driving in a snowstorm, you think, "how will I ever get there, I can only see five inches in front of me." But, really, you can get all the way there, just taking five inches at a time. I find that comforting.
Thank you for continuing to write! I love that I can check on you and your family daily - this has become my habit. I can barely stand my excitement for the playground - it is truly amazing.
After reading your post, I just do not have any great words to share except to say that I totally understand. But once the playground is completed and if you guys need a get away, please contact me - for our door is always open to you and your family for a NYC weekend with me and my family. I am really serious about the offer!
From your friend who's in the fog, you are right where God wants you to be right now - even if YOU don't know exactly where that is or where it's leading to.
K@
amy sedgwick griffith here:
heidi, i say stay in whatever circle you want to today, this hour, this minute. i think you can even go back if you need to! He will walk beside you if that's what you need today, He will hold your hand if that's what you need today, He will carry you if that's what you need today....my prayer today for you is that you would allow yourself to be weak in His presence; yes, that you would find strength there, but it will all be His!
one more thing, rest.
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