A week or two ago Ella and I went through Sully’s things together. I wanted her to have some of his outfits and blankets for her baby dolls. I knew I wanted to do this but I didn’t realize how hard it would be. I was fine helping her fold and place in a special basket the pieces Sully didn’t use as much. But then, Ella picked out one of the little outfits I can clearly picture him in, the cream with light blue polka dots one with a puppy on the backside. I had to resist the urge to snatch it out of her hands and hide it. It took me by surprise. I had to take a deep breath and remember that Sully was Ella’s little brother. I want her to have pieces of him, too. We talked about Sully wearing it and about how special it was to remember him in it. She then unzipped it and dressed her baby doll in it. I couldn’t believe how well it fit that tiny doll. Then, she asked me to help her wrap her doll in the soft blue blanket given to Sully by his grandma. I couldn’t help but tear up as we did that together. I go in Ella’s room quite often now to make sure that baby is wrapped just right.
Zane also has a blanket of Sully’s. He has the fuzzy blue one with Sully embroidered on the corner that Bessie gave to Sully. I cover him up with it each night as he goes to bed and he has quite taken to it. I tried to use a different blanket the other night and he protested, insisting upon “Sully’s blanket.” He bundled it up this morning and cupped his hands together and said “hold Sully” the way he used to do when Sully was here. I just smiled at him and gave him a big hug as I picked him up. Yes, we are all trying to hold Sully in our own way, somewhere in each of our hearts.
Ella's Sully
"Sully coming home in his gown"
drawn 2/24/08
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5 comments:
Ella's Sully touches me - so much sisterly love. I think it is precious - and understand it is hard, the sharing of Sully by letting Ella's baby doll wear the sleeper he wore. your family is grieving together with so much strength and tendertness - an experience that you wish the children hadn't had to have so young, but one that will serve them well in compassion the rest of their lives.
The circle of love and loss touches all of us so many times. We had our own loss this week. My daughter Ruth's baby, conceived amazingly without medical help after five years of infertility, died in utero at just past twelve weeks. i don't know if you are interested in following another loss journey - if this would help or hurt - but she has two blogs - one which was devoted just to the pregnancy and which wrote in about the dying of the baby,http://friedlingfiles.blogspot.com/ and another which was her general. personal blog which she has continued, mostly about hte baby's death since. http://friedefiles.blogspot.com/ And I have a blog whose recent entries are mostly about losing this little life.
i think the way you are sharing his things w. your little ones will have a profound impact on their memories of him..i really do. keep writing...we're listening..
love and care- MB
This poem is from a book my grandmother gave me after my grandfather died. The Complete Poetical Works of James Whitcomb Riley. I was looking for Gungadin (which my grandfather used to recite), though I'm not sure this is the right poet. I came across this and really liked it because it's from the big sister's perspective. It's hard to read because it's written in dialect. I hope you don't mind my passing it on to you.
The indentions don't show up, and I couldn't figure out how to make italics, so I put asterisks around the italicized words.
WHEN OUR BABY DIED
When our baby died--
My Ma she ist cried an' cried!
yes 'n' Pa *he* cried, too--
An' *I* cried--An' me an' you.--
An' I 'tended like my doll
She cried too--An' ever'--all--
O ist *ever'body* cried
When our baby died!
When our baby died--
Nen I got to took a ride!
An' we all ist rode an' rode
Clean to Heav'n where baby goed--
Mighty nigh!--An' nen Ma she
Cried ag'in--an' Pa--an' me.--
All but ist the *Angels* cried
When our baby died!
-James Whitcomb Riley
Hi Heidi. I just found your blog through a friend. I, too, am a follower of Jesus and I, too, lost my baby (just in August of last year.) I, too, live here in Hampton Roads. My baby boy was 15 mos. (just started walking and talking) and died of an unknown infection (even after the autopsy they still can't say conclusively--he wasn't in the hospital 48 hours)... I, too, have a blog and have detailed my journey through it all as well. I would be happy to let you read my blog. It is private so I would have to add your email address to invite you. I am very interested in reading your blog... although since my grief is still raw I will probably take some time to do so. It will be 7 months since he died on Monday. I will tell you that is sometimes gets harder before it gets any better. And the time between "bad days" eventually gets further and further apart. I am so sorry you have had to endure burying a child. I haven't read much of your blog yet...getting ready to after i finish this comment but skimmed through it--the pictures especially are precious. My insurance had me wait 6 months before we could try again and we are now past the waiting period and trying (which conjures up a whole new arena in the area of our grief journey in some ways)... I would love to talk with you sometime... maybe on the phone.... or even in person if it would work out. I will be praying for you. In Christian Love, Jen
Heidi, I wanted to share one more thing with you. It will be 7 months tomorrow that my little Carter went to be with Jesus and I JUST now found out about Grief Share. It is a national Christian Grief Support group. They have video seminars and discussions with leaders such as Kay Arthur, Larry Crabb, Joni Eareckson Tada, Elisabeth Elliott. http://www.griefshare.org/
There is already one in progress at Liberty Baptist in Hampton. Each session is "self-contained" and you can join in at any time. If you go to the website and enter your zip code you can find one closer to you. I also have them now sending me daily emails with verses and encouragement in our grief journey. Reading the one this morning made me think about you. It really looks like what I've been looking for. I hope it is helpful to you too. Continuing to pray for you. Jen
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