Brad has a business trip to California in April. He has asked me to fly out at the end of it for us to have some time alone together. He booked our tickets for a ferry out to the Channel Islands for three days. I'm a bit nervous. This island isn't a luxury island, it's an isolated island, an island for camping and exploring, an island for stillness and calm. Brad asked me if I'd prefer the ferry tickets that would give us just one night on the island but, as intimidating as life with absolutely no distractions can be, it is what felt right. A place to retreat together from the world, to be alone together and perhaps find that we can be on the same page again.
It has been hard to be in different places in our grief. Brad wants to keep Sully's place free from anything that might seem to fill it, to preserve the emptiness and thus honor him. For me, I know nothing can fill his place but my tendency is to identify him with symbols, to bring things into my life, do things in my life that will be constant reminders of him. I want us to get a puppy, one born preferably in February, to grow up with our family just as Sully would have. And then, there is the idea of a tattoo - something permanent that will forever remind me of my boy. My reminders seem like fillers to Brad. Living with his longed for emptiness seems cruel to me.
So how do we love each other? This weekend, for me, it meant not going to see the puppy I had hoped we could bring home. Maybe it will mean we never have a dog, or tattoos together or another child. It is hard to lay down your own desires, the things you think that you want. But I do love Brad, and I want to love him more than getting my own way. So, I think it is important for us to try and find where we are in the same place, like the playground. It gives us both joy to honor our boy, to remember him, with this. And perhaps our retreat to an isolated island will help us to understand that even though we may be on different pages, we are still in the same book.
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7 comments:
To the Anderson Family -
After reading about your son, Sully, in Sunday's newspaper, I knew I had to contact you. My heart and prayers go out to you and your family. I, too, had a son born with Trisomy 18. His name was James Howard and was born on May 18, 1977. He lived to be 10 weeks old and in that ten weeks, he brought my husband and myself so much closer together. He forever is in our hearts and in our prayers.
I can only imagine that my life would be different if our Jamie was not brought into our lives. We now have 2 grown daughters (one was born before Jamie and one was born after) and we have 4 beautiful grandchildren. There is never a day or two that goes by that I don't think of him. He is part of my life and I believe my afterlife.
I think it is courageous and also therapeutic to write about Sully and your family through this time in your lives. Even though it has been almost 31 years since Jamie's birth, I may write about my story as well someday. I work in a Human Resource Department of a local hospital and am either busy with work or grandchildren - but there will come a day!
Allow yourself to grieve. I think it is very important to grieve and also to take time for yourselves during these early days.
Please feel free to contact me if you wish - as I am a very good listener. I know you probably are being "beseiged" with help but, if there is a day that you need someone's ear to bend, please send me an email.
With Sincere Sympathy,
Carol
Brave post - the issue of grieving differently and continuing to love is a tough one - and your respect and love are impressive. I think people grieving oftne need a "clearing in the forest", a retreat, which I hope your island trip provides you.
How wonderful God made men and women and the marriage relationship. Perhaps Brad is there in order to make sure your symbols don't become "fillers" and you are there to make sure his emptiness doesn't become "denial." It sounds as though you are complementing each other very well even though it must feel sometimes like you are far apart.
I hope you truly enjoy each other during this retreat. We'll be praying for God to encourage and strengthen your marriage as you struggle.
What a beautiful entry.....so honest and written with so much love.
Hi Heidi. It's Jen again. And again I understand and identify with you. Our "different places" are with each member of my family... I have two older step-children, 15 and 14, and so there are five of us now... and even the older kids have different ways of grieving and what is good for or important to them. I understand. I think (since I'm still in it I can't say conclusively) but I think from what I understand is that it just takes time. I would love to see the article in the paper. I will check if it is online. Continue to "rest and pray"... and retreat when you need... take all the time that you need... lean on your community of friends as you need. MUCH MUCH love. Jen
I've been wondering about Brad. I'm sorry you guys are on different pages. That makes a hard situation even harder. I hope that each of you can be patient and understanding of your differences. It seems that you usually are.
Your love is a strong one, you will find each other soon enough. I think the camping idea is a good one.
If one of you does finish the book early, perhaps they can help the other get through it. Like a tutor. Or perhaps you'll need outside help, but either way, you'll both make it through.
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