Ella is sick. Last night I was a wreck. I watched her all day but by 4:30 her fever went back up and she kept complaining of neck pain. I have never thought of myself as an over reactive parent, but I couldn't keep my mind from going terrible places. I would try and tell myself to calm down, to be rational, to stop over reacting, but it didn't help. Finally, we made an evening trip to the doctor who checked everything out and assured us that she would be just fine. Even as we waited in the room I would see glimpses of our normal Ella, and I knew everything was OK. I was glad to feel foolish for being there. I don't think I would have slept at all last night had I not had reassurance.
I wonder, will I always respond this way now when my children get sick? Before Sully, we lived in that youthful invincibility that makes you think that nothing bad could happen to you. Our odds were so low that we would ever have a child with Trisomy 18, yet we did. Last night I knew that my anxiety was coming from this realization that anything could happen to us and our family. No one has set a suffering quota and said ours was full. But I want it to work like that; I want to believe that nothing else so painful could happen to us. It's hard to accept that God's promise to me is that he will be with me, not that suffering won't happen. And so I'm left feeling so incredibly vulnerable, once again faced with the fragility of life, once again asked to loosen my grip on this life and all that is dear to me.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
.JPG)
b.JPG)
2 comments:
The absence of a "suffering quota" was probably the hardest thing for me to make peace with after my daughters' Daddy died young. The odds for that were low too - no high risk factors - and it happened. Anything can happen. Really knowing that in every cell coes create a real vulnerability, and also the reciprocal gratitude for every good mment. For me, over time, the pain of the vulnerability has reduced greatly. Its just a fact of life. What I notice more these days is the preciousness of every day and relationship.
And I'm sorry you had this scare with Ella so soon after Sully's death and relieved that this seems to be an ordinary childhood illness from which she will recover. It is still true that usually, that's the way it works out.
AGAIN... i TOTALLY understand... i have a four 1/2 year old named Hailey... and two older step kids Chelsea, 15, and Jon, 14... and every boo boo... every pain... SERIOUSLY makes me VERY concerned and SCARED! i SO understand that! for us, we thought carter (my baby that is with jesus) just had the flu or something... turns out he was bleeding internally and we didn't know it... prayers for you!
Post a Comment