Oxygen

A delivery came last night. Oxygen. I heard the man come in but I stayed in the back. Brad went to receive the order and instructions. I didn't want to see who was bringing such a thing into my house, oxygen for my baby boy, a sign of his brokeness. We have it to help ease Sully's breathing when things get difficult, just something for on down the line I tell myself.

I got up to prepare for Sully's 1 AM feeding last night. We had a lovely time together just chatting and singing. He seems a bit slower in taking his milk but slowly I found myself on our 6th syringe! I praised him and told him how proud I was of him with each swallow. And then, on a last swallow it was too much and he choked. I sat him up and tried to help him but I could see him struggling and turning blue. I called and ran for Brad. What had I done? Sully coughed and struggled but eventually seemed to be recovering. Brad got the oxygen going and we used it to help Sully breathe a little easier. Ok, I have to go slower, be more careful. I can't let my desire to have him eat cause him not to breathe.

I thought the night's drama was over but then at 4 Brad came to get me. "It happened again," he told me, and I jumped up to help. Sully was breathing again but Brad wanted me to come hold him. Was this it? How could it already be over? So, we just sat up for the rest of the night holding our beautiful little man and prayed and sang and cried and smiled at him. Eventually we all snuggled into our bed and with Sully finally seeming more comfortable and at ease both Brad and I drifted off into sleep. When I awoke this morning my eyes saw Sully's peaceful face and then I closely watched for signs of breathing. He is still with us this morning. I weep in the shower, but as I get out I tell myself that he is not gone yet. Sully is still here, the sun is shining again and the sky a brilliant blue. The rain has held off for another day.