I signed the contract for Sully's playground today. I went to date it 3/1/08 and was reminded that it was still February. It's the 29th, Leap Year, an extra day to live in the month in which Sully was born. It has been a good day. How great it felt to sign the paper, to know that the playground equipment is being ordered and 5 or 6 weeks from now installed. Ella is feeling better and acting very much her normal, sassy, four year old self. A dear friend brought me dinner and we had a nice chat. See, a good day...
But then, it surprised me. The sadness welled up inside me and swallowed up the happiness of the day. I found tears falling down my cheeks amidst the most innocent family moments. I kept thinking about Sully's last night, and I could feel the weeping mother welling up within me. I still miss him. I still ache with the longing for all that I had hoped he would be. Yes, I am OK. But the chill of loss has not vanished. I'm sad that this is the last day of February. I'm sad to move out of his month, to move further away from my Sully days.
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2 comments:
I absolutely understand the flow of moods - the abilty to feel pleasure and then be assaulted by sorrow. Of course you don't want to leave Sully's month - every awareness of change that makes the loss more real hurts.
Beth told me about your blog and about what is happening in your lives. I think I have been hesitant to come look at it bc I have been afraid of actually seeing the pain. I sit here reading with tears streaming down my face bc your words are so beautiful but i know your pain is so deep. We will pray. You have been given immeasurable strength!
carrie booher reagin
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