Thirty

Today is Halloween and also my birthday. It's funny how much expectation I can put onto birthdays and holidays - expectation that is often disappointed. So, of course, 30, pre-Sully, was filled with an incredible amount of building expectation. But, post-Sully, most of the celebratory hopes have been dropped. But, still I find myself with hopes and expectations.

Brad, who knows me so well, gave me a birthday "schedule" yesterday. It isn't full of big party plans and such but it is really perfect for me. He has scheduled me a morning walk and time to be in the house alone for reading and reflection. I must be old since that seems like such an incredible gift to me! He's even blocked off time for me to run around and do random errands - something I seem to enjoy that he doesn't really understand (which has led to several frustrated Saturdays together).

Already our "schedule" is off. I've opted for cinnamon rolls at home under the birthday balloons and streamers and sign Brad stayed up late installing instead of the breakfast at IHOP (which I also love but Brad can't stomach). I think, with Sully, and this day, I see that plans are nice but that life usually happens instead of our plans. Even on my chilly walk this morning I realized how much comfort a plan gave to me but that if I held it too tightly I would ruin it all with my demands and expectations. So, we'll hit some of our points today and not others and after 30 years and now Sully, I'm somehow ok with that.

Sully himself isn't part of my plan. My plan was for a third "perfect" child. But I'm thankful for Sully today, especially today, as he helps me to grow up. I'm glad he is with me as I have quiet moments "alone" but not alone. He makes me long for a time when I will know him and he will truly be made "perfect" in the most perfect sense of the word.

"Behold, I will create new heavens and a new earth. The former things will not be remembered, nor will they come to mind...Never again will there be in it an infant who lives but a few days." Isaiah 65:17 & 20

"Your goodness and unfailing kindness shall be with me all my life." Psalm 23:6