final results

Friday was our day for the official diagnostic word on our son. It came later last night. The quick results didn't reveal a third allele on the 18th chromosome. We didn't really know what to do with that information this past Friday. Did it mean there was hope? Could our son just have a few problems but hopefully correctable problems? Was it something else, something genetically between the two of us? I grew angry and then hopeful. Brad was still sad but yesterday came back up to some level of normalcy. And then the phone call...

The final results reveal without a doubt that it is trisomy 18. Apparently that chromosome can be tricky and not cooperate with the quicker test but on every cultured cell a third allele lit up - every single cell. It's in his entire body - every single last cell is fatally flawed. There is no point to meeting with cardiologists and surgeons because they can't fix every single cell.

We cried all over again and then held hands as we walked through the field next door. A light rain fell on us - how incredibly appropriate - seriously - are we on a movie set? But as I think about that now, it wasn't the pouring rain and devastation of last Tuesday. Devastating again, yes, but a misting rain that we were walking through. Even in it there was that little seed of hope but not that our little boy would be perfectly normal but that we would survive this. That maybe, we would find a name for him, and instead of looking at his life as a waste we would say that this is what his life cycle was always intended to be, that we could accept that and maybe, just maybe, actually enjoy the days we have with him(?). I thought, he's been here for his brother, Zane's, birthday and in just a week he'll be around for his sister's. And, then, I want him here for my 30th and Halloween - I should be sure to feed him lots of candy. Can he taste that or at least get really wound up inside me from it? And what about a Thanksgiving turkey - I can tell him how I've really liked ham better and give him both. Oh, and Christmas, will you be able to hear the carols of Christmas little boy? I want you to hear my favorite ones and hear your brother and sister's delight on that beautiful morning. And then I know you'll go. And somehow I can rest in that.