So, I must admit that as I'm writing this I have had one drink too many. But, I am a much nicer person under the influence - definitely not an angry drunk. Today has been a hard day and a few gin and tonics have helped to take the edge off. I called one of my closest and dearest friends to just go do Target retail therapy with me and ended up by the end of the evening laughing and fully avoiding the pain in my heart.
Today, all those really prego mommies just got to me. And, a friend just birthed her third child, a son. While I thought all along I was good with it, today it just tore me apart. The problem is that she has a girl Ella's age, a boy almost Zane's age, and now another son - exactly the portrait of what our family should have been. I want to never speak to her again. It just isn't fair. Why did our family get ripped apart the way it did? Why do I have to live with the image of this family in front of me for as long as I can possibly forsee into the future?
Not helping is the fact that I just read The Shack. Those images and thoughts are stirring up so much in my soul. Today, I needed that big black woman of a God to hold me, to cook me food to satiate my soul, to love me in my pain. But, as the best hugging friend I have held me in the hallway between church nurseries, I realized that I was being embraced by God. That she was telling me how much She knew I hurt, how much She loved me.
I wish sometimes I could live all of life with the cloudy haze of intoxication...
Professional Photos of Sully by Jessica Riehl of Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep
Our little boy, Sully
Sully's playground
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Sully's playground fund
THANK YOU for helping us build our sweet Sully's playground. It is finished! Funding and all! The project came to a total of around $70,000 and every single penny was raised by your love and support! You are incredible! Thank you for giving us this amazing gift!
http://www.sullysplayground.com/
http://www.sullysplayground.com/
Effortlessly perfect
"...and the day will push us forward with...its ordinary joys."
About Us
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The Soundtrack to Our Lives
- 1) Josh Radin, "Brand New Day"
- 2) Michael Jackson, "Bad"
- 3) Jonathan Edwards, "Sometimes"
- 4) Tyrone and Euniqua, "We're Knights"
- 5) Sarah Jarosz, "Come On Up to the House"
6 comments:
Thank you for your willingness to be so real and honest.
oh my sweet sweet friend...
i grieve WITH you... right along side of you...
(((((HUGS))))))
i am here...
I don't know if I've commented here or not, but I've been reading for awhile now. Your honesty and authenticity are the things that keep drawing me back to this place. I don't know too many Christ-followers who are courageous enough to be that real, so it's really refreshing and makes me feel like I'm not alone.
Wow. Reading The Shack had to also take courage and determination to get through. Despite being hated by a favorite mentor of mine, that book has impacted my life since last October more than any other book (other than the Bible). It changed my life so much that I wanted to share it with everyone I knew, and yet I always stopped when it came to sharing it with anyone who had ever lost a child. It seemed like it would be equal to me ripping off a scab on their heart to do that, so I was too afraid to share it with those who had lost little ones.
My husband and I had the chance to meet with Paul Young (the author) and his sister last November when they came through our town. Hearing his sister talk about losing her daughter, and hearing Paul's story made me realize that his heart really is shared in that book in so many layers. And if you ever got a chance to tell him your story and to sit and talk with him, I know he would love on you and your husband, and he would cry along with you. He's just that kind of person.
Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I appreciate what you write and how you share. It's never easy to wrestle with God and grief.
Sara in Canada
It's interesting that no one is commenting on this particular post when you normally have a sea of people just waiting to encourage you! Maybe I'm reading it or the lack thereof very wrong...but let me be the 1st to say, at least on here, good for you! Good for you being real in your pain. Good for you knowing that you can be intoxicated and still be a woman deeply loved by God. Your therapy of Target shopping & gin drinks could be just as God immersed as a sunday morning gathering of people in a building singing songs. I'm sure you don't, I hope you don't...but don't ever feel as though your grief has to "measure up" and fit into the nice little "christian" container. He doesn't work in containers! You are loved and prayed for by those you don't even know!
amy sedgwick griffith here:
Heidi, I have continued to pray for you, not everyday, but many days.
Clearly, I can't imagine what you're going through or what you may need, but here is a link (do you already have a million that people have sent you?) of a family who lost their daughter. Not to Trisomy 18, but other "stuff." It's her walk (alongside her husband and other 3 daughters). She loves Jesus.
I will continue praying for you, Brad and your kids.
amy sedgwick griffith here:
im an idiot, here is the link:
http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com
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