We Had an Angel Instead

Sully is a wild man - at least according to the technician who was trying to capture him for our 30 week ultrasound today. We watched him flip, spin, wiggle and cover his face as she tried to get all his measurements in a playful almost Seaworld like performance. How can someone so alive be so close to death?

We both know that the amnio was precise in its trisomy 18 diagnosis, but there was a small part of both of us that hoped against all that when we went in today, they would look at Sully and realize they were wrong and he was really going to be alright. Sadly, with all his boisterous movement we still had to look at all the little signs of his condition, but it wasn't until they got to his little heart that just isn't quite positioned right and has definite defects between some of the chambers that I was reduced to tears again. Something about the heart, not the muscle itself, but the symbol it is of so much in our culture just made me weep for him and all the earthly love he will never know.

Both Heidi and I had hoped for some kind of indication of a timeline for Sully when we went in today, but as with so many aspects of this there were no clear answers. We also had to begin thinking about a lot of decisions for him that have until now seemed very far away. All in all it was much harder than expected for both of us. We talked with our genetic counselor about how to share Sully with Ella and Zane once he comes, and she recommended a book to us called, "We were having a baby, but we had an angel instead" - I think that one is going to be good for us...